so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
