I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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