I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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