Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
honey bunches of taint.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
