when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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