I faked an abortion last night.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
