He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Randomize
