Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
