My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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