I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Tornado booty call.. dedication
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Randomize
