People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
