I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
