I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
