i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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