I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
