Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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