Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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