Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
