Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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