using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
