As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
How does one acquire holy water?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize