im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
