walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
