My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
