I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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