I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
