The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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