Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
