my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I'm bleeding and have questions
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
