Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
