She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
