PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
