I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I am naked and annoyed.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize