i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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