Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
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