FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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