i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
pop tarts are not kleenex
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
