genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
