Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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