Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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