I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
