I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize