The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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