She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Randomize
