I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
