she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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