I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
