god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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