Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize