you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
