he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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