Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Man, jail baloney is awful.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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