So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
