I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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