well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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