Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
