I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
