Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
